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The promised return was delayed and while the story of the brief institutionalization was never told just know that I continue to press on much like the Viet Cong. I am very shifty in my straw hat and black pajamas, so without further ado…..
Hazzah!! The long awaited return of the master of balls and sack, I have been on an imposed vacation for the last five and one half weeks. The reason? Well you should not mix certain substances in large quantities and expect to be able to maintain a sound mind, which is generally required in society to be able to function.
I remember the first time I saw Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas…….some people might have reacted to watching Hunter S. Thompson meander around more or less insanely bombed with the amusement of watching Lions in the Zoo. Typically speaking a state of mind that is defined as oblivion is not typically something that most people find themselves enjoying or even striving to create and than reproduce everyday for the rest of their lives.
For me the exact opposite holds true, after watching and subsequently reading Fear and Loathing, as well as other Thompson materials I came to the conclusion that the ole coot might have figured something out, after all what is the point of all of this really? Holy god, that is a bad place to be and end up. Oblivion is not something to strive for and Hunter ended up blowing his head off, not quite the ending I was looking to him to show me how to replicate.
Of the many faceted interests of Hunter one was sports, so with out further ado here is my belated Playoff Power Poll.
8. Chicago Bears
I cannot even begin to tell you how much this team is over valued, they are not good. They are at best a nine and seven team, but every few years or so the Bears tend to put together one of these fluky seasons and storm into the playoffs.
I used to work for a document management company in Tempe, the owner was from Chicago and was very sensitive about the Bears to the point where no one was allowed to bring up his teams shitty play ever. So every Monday morning this five foot tall no sock wearing goombah would come in and lay in to me if the Cardinals lost in typical Red Bird fashion, but I could not rib him back or else he would fly off the handle and start screaming. Positive work environment indeed.
Jay Cutler is an abomination, Mike Martz will eventually f*ck up like he did on fourth and goal against the Cardinals a few years back and Brian Urlacher and his gay barbed wire tattoo are so washed up that they make Joan Rivers look attractive by comparison. If there is a just God in this world the Seahawks in the role of David will take down the Goliath of the Midway.
7. Seattle Seahawks
Pete Carroll is like that crazy uncle who is always mildly intoxicated and bringing a new girl half his age to every family function. All the young kids in the family want to hang out with him because he is so funny and he can virtually coax them into doing anything he wants, which usually entails fetching beer. His grown siblings and the other adults tend to gravitate to the other side of the party and try not to make too much small talk and or eye contact with him.
Than you grow up and you realize how full of shit your Uncle was. This is why I remain convinced that Carroll will never succeed in the NFL, too many grown ups not enough wide eyed innocent kids. Also he looks like Bea Arthur. Hey at least they’re not the Bears.
6. Baltimore Ravens
So Ray Lewis thinks this is the best Ravens team since the SB winners at the beginning of the decade. Well I think you should not be allowed to get away with murder and try and get everyone to buy into the new image of yourself because you found Jeebus. The Browns Redux complain a lot about the Steelers, they are the unattractive little sister that never gets any attention.
The Ravens brought in some players this off season for this game specifically. The line on Flacco was that he didn’t have enough weapons on the outside and could not utilize his strengths to maximum potential. I heard some jack ass on ESPN the other day say that Flacco has too many weapons and cant possibly regurgitate enough worm lunch to feed all those baby chicks.
Bottom line the uni brow is not a top flight QB no matter what Jon Clayton or fat ass Peter King say. What do your eyes tell you, my eyes say Jim Harbaugh.
Oh and Ray Lewis stabbed a guy to death.
5. New York Jets
Mark Sanchez is good in so far as Derek Anderson is good. They both try and murder their receivers by either throwing the ball too far out in front of them, like you did to that neighbor kid that one time when you led him right into the trunk of that car, or they throw the ball so far over their receivers heads that it is comical and borderline sad.
Tomlinson almost got a thousand yards, thanks for playing buddy. Revis is not the best corner on his team and the best corner has sired 956 children by 1125 women and is now returning kicks. The coach cant decide whether or not to eat a six foot party sub or stucco his wife’s feet in man paint.
Ladies and gentleman the 2010-11 Jets…….that is not even half of the drama that has happened around this team this year. I like Sexy Rexy, I think he is good for the league and makes things fun for his players. However, the blatant attempt to shield Sanchez from the media circus this week-while seemingly successful-is not going to trick Bellicheck into forgetting about Nacho Libre.
Is there another team that you would want to provide extra motivation to than the New England Patriots, why even risk it? Why not go with the silent brooding anger of a scorned ex lover stalking and than finally committing unspeakable acts of violence. Just bad form all around and this will be the end of the most entertaining team in football. Worry not though Nacho will be back to overthrow receivers with poise and moxie next year and we will be treated to Rex Ryan banging his wife’s feet while working out with a shake weight at the same time, “here is some cab fare”.
4. Green Bay Packers
Mike McCarthy dreams of quadruple stuffed Oreos through most parts of the game. Clay Matthews is Australopithecus, the fact the he is the spokes person for a muscular disease that causes severe deterioration is comical. Duchenne, do you really want someone who is so antithetical to everything that you believe in trying to raise money to cure you? Look at him, he is on HGH and most likely steroids, that is kind of a tough sell to the kids who are dying of muscle deterioration. It kind of sends the wrong message.
The Packers should be done this week in Hotlanta, too many obstacles for Aaron Rodgers to overcome and work through. If they do make it passed the Falcons they have a pretty good chance to lose to the AFC representative in the Super Bowl. Lets be honest the AFC Championship is the de facto Super Bowl.
3. Atlanta Falcons
Is there a more WASP-y team in football. Holy shit this team is Vanilla ice cream. Do they have the stones to get dirty and muck it up? Can they fight off Cro Magnon and his defensive cronies? Can they stop whatever soon to be cut running back the Packers are trotting out there this week?
If you had to bet right now on one team to not win the Super Bowl, and if you were wrong you could never make love to Mrs. Ryan’s feet again, you’d have to take the Falcons right? This team is so hard to believe in, I just cannot see Mike McCarthy, Matt Ryan or Arthur Blank holding that silver trophy over their heads. They don’t have any sort of a mean streak, they are the midwifes of the NFL.
Oh and thanks for ruining a classic Go! Team song.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers
Would a drunken Ben Rothlisberger pull his ashy penis from his pants and try and get the unattractive Ravens to perform fellatio on him? Of course he would and than he would walk on to the field the next morning and shove the ball right down their pipe and not call on Monday morning like a polite Midwestern boy normally would.
Does it feel good in Pittsburgh knowing that you will win the inevitable field goal fest against the Ravens on Sunday only to get owned by the Pats in Foxborough next weekend?
1. New England Patriots
They’re just too f-ing good. They are only the second team in NFL history to score over 31 points for eight straight games. Second only, mind you, to the undefeated Patriots. Tom Brady is officially the best quarterback in the league again and Bellicheck, in light of all his recent personnel moves and draft picks looks like a genius again.
This is a great time to point out that all the analyzing of sports that goes on is purely conjecture and hyperbole meant for all fans to react and get worked into a tizzy over. ESPN is manipulating your passion for sports in order to make more money off of your broke ass. Never is this more apparent than the many obits and end of times pieces written about the Patriots over the last few seasons……..Why Bill Bellicheck and Tom Brady Have Finally Shit the Bed For Real This Time by Billy Simmons……holy god that is awful who writes about their favorite team like that (please do not read anything I have written about the Cardinals).
The Pats are the class if the NFL and do not even have to win the Super Bowl to be considered one of the longest running dynasties in football history. They are heads and shoulders above the rest of the league and it matters not how many assistants, executives and players leave the organization they continue to succeed and more recently they have succeeded while being told they were washed up. Best run organization in the NFL.
Enjoy the games everyone, see you next week.
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Want to take any of this back now? I know hindsight is 20-20 but that was pretty crazy to say the 8-9 Seahawks were better than the Bears. This is gonna be the best week ever for Bears and Packers fan, no matter how much trash talk occurs both sides should acknowlege how awesome this is gonna be–this is why we are fans.